Two weeks ago Superhero Columnist dr, aka the Desert Rat (www.professionaldesertrat.blogspot.com) made a great point about the fading (lack) luster of the Skins Game. He suggested that, in the absence of big names like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, perhaps an all-women format could reinvigorate an essentially meaningless November golf event that gets killed in the television ratings by Saturday college football games and Sunday NFL games.
Not only does The Green Blazer agree with The Rat, he demands further action: let's turn it into a real Skins game and have these beautiful ladies not only win Skins but lose clothes along the way. The LPGA has admittedly taken its sex appeal up a notch. The ladies could end up in bikinis, and if one were to lose yet another hole, she could either opt to cut her losses and quit, or plunge into the nearest body of water and keep playing.
With Michelle Wie recently turning 18, what better way to celebrate than by participating in the ultimate Skins Game threesome with Natalie Gulbis and Paula Creamer?
Ok Ok… just kidding. This will never happen, but with 74 percent of all golfers being male, the last article of clothing coming off at the real Skins Game would be the rating’s socks. Until that time, I guess it's just another Green Blazin' pipe dream.
Posted by The Green Blazer, the Superhero Columnist of Golf - at 5:35 PM
Did you hear that? What? No? Me neither. That's the sound of baseball not being played today. With the NBA in exhibition mode and the pro football season a quarter of the way through but stuck on the slowest day of the week, the professional team sports world has hit the ultimate Wednesday hump: zero meaningful games played. (Sorry, NBA, a handful of exhibitions don't count, especially considering that the Memphis Grizzlies, in Spain to capitalize on Pau Gasol's popularity, actually lost to Unicaja yesterday.)
Navy did knock off Pitt 48-45 in OT in tonight's wildly entertaining and incredibly defenseless NCAA game, but dp hardly knew what to do on a day without baseball. As we await tomorrow's resumption of the playoffs with the National League Championship Series, it's worth noting that NeutralMilk, whose predictions based on closer songs correlated with dp's perfect round of Divisional Playoff picks, has departed from dp's ALCS and World Series pick, the Boston Red Sox. It seems he has misread Jonathan Papelbon's occasional use of "Wild Thing" (seen here in the video at the bottom of the post). He equates Papelbon entering to "Wild Thing" with the Patriots' stealing of opponents' signals. Further, because this song is inherently Indian territory (it did originate as Rick Vaughn's song in Major League) and is current Cleveland closer Joe Borowski's full-time anthem, he chooses Cleveland to win both the ALCS and the World Series. However, dp knows this test to be a false positive. In reality, Papelbon has actually negated Cleveland's edge (by employing laser tag tactics of holding up a mirror to reflect back enemy fire,) and the BoSox will go all the way. Better check your B-sample, NeutralMilk.
Speaking of drug tests, the sad saga of Marion Jones' disgrace continues to unfold.
When the confirmation of Jones' long-suspected drug use broke last Friday, Scoop Jackson spoke for many when he lamented how his girl Marion crushed his heart. Jones admitted in District Court that she not only lied to federal agents in her 2003 grand jury testimony in the BALCO case, but she also lied about her involvement in a fraudulent check-cashing scheme involving her agent, another former coach, and former boyfriend Tim Montgomery.
Victor Conte, BALCO's founder, has been saying for years that Jones used performance-enhancing drugs before and after her amazing performance in the 2000 Sydney Olympics, where she won five medals, including three gold. Yet even the gold standard has proved counterfeit, and now Jones has returned those medals to the International Olympic Committtee. It turns out that Conte was right all along.
Jones went so far as to file a $25 million libel lawsuit against Conte in 2004. (It was later settled out of court.) For a woman who has never failed a drug test (though she narrowly escaped with a false-positive for EPO in June 2006 when her B-sample came back negative) and has always categorically denied drug use, dp can't help but wonder why Jones finally decided to come clean about playing dirty. Many, including ESPN.com's Patrick Hruby, think that she's a pathological liar who "leaked" her admission in a letter to family and friends only to try to put a positive spin on an inevitable booking by the Feds. In this letter, Jones claims she thought that her coach, Trevor Graham, was giving her flaxseed oil, not realizing until years later that she'd actually been taking "the clear," a designer steroid at the center of the BALCO case.
Was the evidence so overwhelming against her that she had no choice except to craft one last convenient lie in a desperate attempt to save a bit of face? Or is it possible that a singularly focused world-class sprinter just did what her coach told her to do and didn't ask too many questions about the little drop of liquid on her tongue to help her "recover" faster after workouts? Jones, just one of about two dozen professional athletes to testify in the BALCO case, is certainly not a chemist, and probably couldn't tell the difference between a placebo and a painkiller, much less between a permissible "supplement" and an undetectable but illegal steroid. Barry Bonds also claimed under oath that he believed "the clear" to be flaxseed oil. Could this be a corroboration of truth, or is it again simply that smug wink of plausible deniability?
Or is it possible that there really is no real "truth" in a cutthroat competitive landscape in which individual success is only possible through a supreme self-confidence that borders on self-delusion? I mean, how realistic is it to think you are the fastest person on earth? It's preposterous, except perhaps for a very select few. Is it so surprising then to think that one of these megalomaniacs may actually reject, distort, qualify, or ignore anything which threatens her righteous faith in her talent and ability? By sheer force of will, can athletes like Jones and Bonds simply rationalize shady decisions?
The only certainty we have is that Jones, for one, couldn't live with her own guilt. In mourning her fall, we can only wonder whether countless other superstars like Lance Armstrong and Roger Clemens have benefited from a little extra boost as well. As more and more incriminating evidence mounts, it's getting more and more difficult to give our heroes the benefit of the doubt. As for Bonds, a lawyer familiar with his case ominously speculates that prosecutors will now shift their focus to investigating whether he committed perjury and tax evasion.
Although ESPN.com's Bomani Jones has a few ideas to consider on this dark sports Wednesday, dp can do no more than to wish original FLICKster Brett Favre a happy 38th birthday.
If poop stains aren't always brown, then the silver lining of dp's Columbus Day weekend football dump would be today's much-anticipated home installation of DIRECTV. Goodbye, bitter hangover; hello, NFL Sunday Ticket. dp awoke this morning (okay, it was noonish) knowing that he would finally be able to watch the Packers (and FLICK over to the Patriots, Lady Flick's Redskins, and every other team to boot) every single Sunday guaranteed. Not to mention a sick cable package with HBO (plus the free premium pack of second-tier movie channels like Stars, Skinemax, Showtime, etc.) For the first time since leaving L.A. last month, dp and Lady Flick could dvr Flight of the Conchords, and catch Bret and Jemaine beyond YouTube clips like the one below.
Alas, for the second time in two weeks, the technician failed to show up during the appointed 12-5 pm window. For the second time in two weeks, the dharma prince sensed something was fishy at 4 pm, when there was still no sign of the techie's arrival. For the second time in two weeks, dp's telephone inquiries were rebuffed first by an automated hold machine, second by a Halsted Communications rep who claimed the techie claimed there was no one home (while I've literally been sitting in the window seat above the front door since 12:30) and then would only offer to reschedule again, and third by DIRECTV's nonexistent customer service. Today, flaky Lacey, after seemingly trying to help by intervening in a conference call with Hallsted, lost dp in a deadend phone loop, and the signal eventually went busy. At this point, dp was deeply pissed.
But then dp remembered his damn philosophy (pertaining to both dignified protest and due process), and... FLICK, dp just let it go. If Albi the Racist Dragon can learn to rise above discriminatory persecution, so too can dp.
Really, that's the only test a prospective FLICKster must pass: s/he should be able to live and let be. So, dp will flick away DIRECTV insanity... until we meet again Oct. 16 for take three.
In the meantime, here's a fun test to measure another important FLICKster characteristic, gambling instinct:
Well, the dharma prince isn't immune to superstition. By referencing (translation: mocking) Sports Illustrated, it seems dp contracted a mutant version of the infamous SI cover jinx, poisoning this ill-fated football weekend. dp's beloved Wisconsin Badgers lost to Illinois on Saturday, the Packers lost in Lambeau to the Bears on Sunday, and Jason Witten's final 6-yard reception Monday night allowed Toby's Business Time squad to squeak past dp's heartbroken fantasy phantoms, X-Country Packbackin. In single positive sporting moment, at least the Indians restored a bit of karmic balance by slaughtering the Yankees on Columbus Day.
Five turnovers doomed the Packers. Rookie WR James Jones lost two fumbles in Bears territory in the first quarter, but the Packers still led 17-7 at halftime. Nonetheless, dp had a bad feeling about this one even when the Packers were still up 20-10 in the third quarter. In a game that eventually ended with an end-zone interception to tie George Blanda for a record 277 (now and counting), Favre 's 1st pick, a vintage boneheaded flick to Bears MLB Brian Urlacher, stuck out like a bad sunburn as the game-changing play. The Bears reeled off 17 straight points to win 27-20, ending the Pacers' win streak and handing dp his first losing week of the year.
It's small solace that dp did pick the big upset special of the week, San Diego's 41-3 blowout at Denver. As predicted, Chargers RBs LT and Michael Turner devoured Denver's run defense. Unfortunately, New Orleans, despite outplaying Carolina in every facet of the game, couldn't score more points in order to throw off the yoke of their own SI cover jinx. Meanwhile, dp vows to never again pick anything involving Kansas City unless it's a bottle of KC Masterpiece for a barbecue with Lady Flick.
Just as dp feared back on Sept. 26, Billy Mitchell, aka Mr. Pacman, has indeed given goonies.com the slip. But Noahbk deserves better than Blinky, Pinky, Inkey, and even Clyde. If B-Mitch is in fact a true champion, he should grant goonies.com an interview and remain true to his word. Never surrender your good name, Billy. Never. Likewise, never FLICK somebody over who didn't have it coming to him. And the only thing coming to Noahbk is a rabbit's foot rush and a pile of the house's chips at the blackjack table. B-Mitch, dp suggests you listen to original FLICKster Tony Montana.
Seriously, B-Mitch, sack up and deliver the good word to goonies.com. Or risk the wrath of FLICKsters and Goonies the world over, from Noah Big Kat, to Scarface, to Bret, Jemaine, Murray, and the dharma prince himself, who FLICKs karmic bolts of justice from his high post in Mount Olympus (er, New Haven.)
Thanks largely to Brett Favre, the Packers are off to a 4-0 start and will win their 9th straight game (dating to last season) on Sunday night at home against the Chicago Bears, preseason favorite to repeat as NFC North Division champions. Incredibly, Dr. Z, in his preseason predictions for SI, rated Favre the 113th most valuable player in the NFL, just behind Pacman, who is suspended for the season for violating the Player Conduct policy. dp would also like to point out that Dr. Z's predicted Super Bowl teams, the Saints and the Chargers, are a combined 1-6 through Week 4. Thanks largely to Favre's outstanding play this season (he's currently the 4th best fantasy player in Yahoo leagues, behind only Tony Romo, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady), dp's two X-Country Packbackin squads have accumulated a combined 7-1 record in his two Yahoo fantasy leagues (okay, actually 9-3 in three leagues).
Less importantly, but more relevantly, dp throws some love towards the much-maligned Dr. Z, and picks both the Saints and the Chargers to turn their seasons around with big wins in Week 5. In dp's upset special, the Chargers win will their tough AFC West showdown at Denver. LaDainian Tomlinson will post a monster game, running circles around struggling MLB D.J. Williams. LT will break off consistent gains in piling up yardage against Denver's porous front seven, meaning that QB Phillip Rivers won't have to challenge Denver's shutdown corners Champ Bailey and Dre Bly.
Other picks: Redskins over Lions and Chiefs over Jaguars.
Incredibly, shoutmouth.com's master of ceremonies, Neutralmilk, ran an advance study to predict the Divisional Playoff series winners, and the results corroborated with dp's poker instincts. Check it out here:
From professional leagues to personal extremes, FLICKsport's got the scoop. I'm your humble host, the digital producer, the unassisted double play, the deep poet: dp.
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